This might not be the same for everyone, but the articles at the end are
*excellent* and highly recommended. The other stuff is food for thought that I
suggest at least considering now, and again later on. I used this aggressively
and made a lot of personal notes to go with it of things I personally wanted to
think about and do, and it gave me very great comfort. So I share it with you
in case it can be of any benefit; feel free to pass it on. But you, with the
Lord, can know best how it applies.
Choosing a spouse is probably the most important decision you will ever make,
other than choosing to follow Christ. I am not perfect, but have spent many
hours thinking, praying, and preparing this. It may be shared as you see fit.
I am happy to talk about it if you ever would like.
Here are steps for preparation and courtship, which I recommend:
- We always start by humbling ourselves, then praying to know and do the Lord's
will, and evaluating daily if we are doing precisely that.
- Choose a place to record and later to reorganize notes for this as needed.
- Study the scriptures and many articles on marriage, to learn from our Father,
and from others he has inspired. Make notes. A list of some very excellent
articles is at the end. The topical guide's references on family, marriage,
husbands, wives, etc. are good to study; if you do it online you can jump
quickly to individual verses and set bookmarks or make personal annotations
using the Church web site.
- With those things in mind there is much to be considered about *being* the
right kind of person. What kind of people must we strive to be, to deserve and
find the kind of spouse we really should seek, during that phase of life?
The sermon on the mount is so right. Neither you nor your spouse is finished,
but be realistic about how tendencies can develop, and listen to the *right*
sources.
- Get to know a lot of people in life and observe them, especially noting who
is most happy in their old age, and what lifestyle, habits, attitudes and
priorities led to that long-term happiness, and whether it is sustained
across generations. Learn from them and make notes.
- Make a list of qualities that are important in a spouse, and prioritize the
list: which are *must have* (like love for the Lord first above self,
pleasure, money, or anything else; temple worthiness, how they handle time
and money, their family traditions, experiences and training, etc: I can
share my own complete list if you ask). They MUST see all other people as
children of God, to be treated w/ love, admiration, and respect. If they
are seeking primarily an attractive body, they disqualify. Here are some
possibilities, but the list I made was longer because it had many things
that were important to me:
- what are you/they like when money's tight, people are sick, and things
are tough? When it's tempting to get really depressed. Cheerful,
helpful, unselfish? or something else?
- when you are around them, do you feel like being your best self,
reaching higher planes, or do you feel lust or fear or something else?
- do you/they have and seek skills, learning and service, or
self-centered pursuits? Do they have the skills and traits needed to
be a helpful and successful spouse and parent? What *are* those skills
and traits?--that's important too.
- if it really came down to it and they had to choose one thing, what would
it be: the Lord, or something else? (It does really come down to it,
every day, but even more on some days, and sometimes we have to make tough
choices; we can learn to habitually choose the road that leads to
happiness.)
- do you have enough in common to really enjoy each others' company (while
still wanting to be your best and on a higher plane)? Can you still
enjoy each others' company when dealing with dirty dishes, illness,
diapers, fatigue, financial problems, and everything like that?
- do you want your posterity to turn out like them? Not much you can do
about it, after you're married: their side of the family will have great
influence, so make sure you'll like what that influence is. [Even
active members of the same church can have a wide variety of views,
habits, strengths, and weaknesses.] Or just accept that influence and
be happy with it. But recognize the choice you are making. You are
joining two extended families together: is it good for everyone?
Consider asking them, and giving them a chance to get well acquainted,
too. :)
- Reminder: Pray and obey. The Lord knows more than all of us put together
many times over (good thing, too). If we want His will more than our own,
and we get on and stay on His course, things will work out well, in His
way and time.)
- Don't think, dress or act in ways that make it harder for you or others to
keep the commandment not to lust. Avoid spending time with those that do
(http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/12.27.27-30?lang=eng#26).
(Save that beautiful, sacred experience, to trust and comfort one another
and to draw closer: during marriage!) Be very careful about touching
each other (see
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth-fulfilling-our-duty-to-god/sexual-purity?lang=eng
, especially where it says "Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse
the powerful emotions ... participate in passionate kissing ... touch the
private, sacred parts of another person's body ... [or] arouse those
emotions in your own body.... [A]lways treat your date with respect, never
as an object to be used for your lustful desires. Stay in areas of safety
where you can easily control your physical feelings. Do not participate in
talk or activities that arouse sexual feelings."). Otherwise, if the
affection involves touching, how do we really know that this person will be
loving and faithful when we are old, unattractive, or ill? Can you usually
feel the Spirit when together? Are you very comfortable reading the
scriptures together? Are you uplifted and both want to be your best selves
and achieve righteous goals, when together? Do you help and encourage one
another?
- Pick those things out of the list that you can discern most quickly about
people, to know whom to eliminate and whom to take the time to get to know
better.
- Compare individuals to the complete list of qualities, thoughtfully and
prayerfully. Decide which people to continue to get to know yet more.
- A man should have a viable plan for what his trade or profession will be,
and how he will support his family, and a past that shows a record of
responsible work and behavior. A woman he courts must decide whether she
is prepared to encourage him in these choices, and it should be a frank
and loving discussion. They should both know their plans for their
educations, and discuss how to pay for it. (Debt can be a very hard
burden.)
- Ask for advice from your church leaders, family, trusted friends, etc.
- If you decide to get to know one person particularly well, then let
them know first (if needed?) and talk to people that you know you can
trust, who have known this person for a long time, to learn if this
person is deceptive *ever* EVER, and what kind of person they are.
Check their family background (what habits, attitudes, influences will
you we be working with, because once you marry into the family, you are
uniting two families, and their habits and attitudes don't just change,
and it will need to be compatible and pointed toward the Lord, or there
will be serious challenges. See the person's and the family's track
record over a long time for how they live: their morals, love for the
Lord, and all the other criteria.
- Review the book of 300 questions for LDS couples. This covers finances,
background, and more. It is good to talk in total honesty and demand
it in return. This includes talking about finances, one's past, and
beliefs about important things specific to marriage.
- Worthiness. A potential spouse should be free from all addictions
including any amount of pornography. If there has been a problem in the
past, they should be open with you about it, and have been free from it
for a sufficient period of time (probably a year minimum, but be prayerful
and get advice as needed). Temple worthiness and love for the Lord above
all else, not looking/lusting after others or power or pleasure of
attention is essential for gospel success, and is a lifestyle that should
be demonstrated over time; it is not a quick fix.
- List their faults and strengths now. (Don't list or obsess about their
faults after marriage! Criticism can be horribly destructive.)
- Get a father's or similar blessing for the process and the final
decision.
- Review again the articles at churchofjesuschrist.org & speeches.byu.edu about
choosing/finding a spouse, personal revelation & decisions, whom to
marry, marriage, being single, families, etc.
- Fast, pray, go to the temple. As needed, get good information on how to
seek and receive revelation, and how to make decisions accordingly.
(Searching churchofjesuschrist.org is a great way, and I have collected a bunch of notes
on the subject that have helped me, which I can share.)
- When you have made the decision, move forward in faith, keeping all the
commandments. When the inevitable hard times come (that's life!!), there
are ways to learn and get through it together, and many sources of help.
Once you are married it is not time to look around and wonder what it would
have been like to marry someone else, but rather love your spouse with all
your heart, cleave unto and support your spouse, and cleave unto none else;
because to lust after another is to lose the Spirit, and if one repents not,
to be cast out of the Kingdom, as the Lord said multiple times.
President Hinckley said "Make the comfort and well-being of your spouse
your primary concern. That's all." The family guidebook and many excellent
church materials on marriage and raising children (including "Family
Guidebook", "One for the Money", "A Parent's Guide", materials on provident
living (management, storage, preparedness etc), the manual for the family
living or similar course, and many others are important, and nothing can
replace really studying the Sermon on the Mount, daily scripture study, and
following the Lord's chosen prophets, and moving forward in faith, together
as one with the Lord
(http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/3-ne/19.29.28-29?lang=eng#26).
- Again, there is much to be considered about *being* the right kind of person.
Marriage is hard, important work. That relationship is the most important
after the one with God. Blaming others rarely helps anything. Go in with
your eyes wide open, then leave them half closed afterward. "Make the
comfort and well-being of your spouse your primary concern. That's all."
(-Pres Hinckley.) The sermon on the mount is so right. There is no
shortcut or substitute for the fundamentals, the family proclamation and
guidebook, etc.
- When this finding phase is passed, no more "seeking" or wandering eyes, but
rather working and loving and serving together, and learning to be patient
and forgiving (because you'll need it too).
Sincere best wishes to you.
Luke Call
2013 (with later small edits)
p.s.: These are some articles that I have found to be excellent. I hope
you'll have time to consider what they say, as it is wisdom from the
prophets for this decision that will affect your future happiness. There is
also one on making major life decisions (at the end).
- http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/new-era/2004/10/whom-shall-i-marry President Monson
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-6-mature-intimacy-courtship-and-marriage?lang=eng
- http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=301 "The Right Person, the Right Place, the Right Time" Thomas B. Holman
- http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/01/making-major-life-decisions
- http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=795 "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" Jeffrey R. Holland
- http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=706 "Marriage and Divorce" Spencer W. Kimball
- http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=616 "Agency or Inspiration--Which" Bruce R. McConkie
- Also at churchofjesuschrist.org a 2002 September Ensign article called 'Choosing and Being the Right Spouse' by Thomas B. Holman.
- http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/tg?lang=eng&letter=m
- http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/search?query=marriage+decision&lang=eng
- http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=search&q=marriage+decision
- http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/01/making-major-life-decisions
pps: Accept the Lord's will, move forward well, pray, be humble, be at peace,
smile, be happy. The promises throughout the scriptures, such as in the
Sermon on the Mount, are reliable.
ppps: There are some good books & resources for married couples to
understand each other better and solve problems. We are all still
learning. Life really can be good. :)
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